The Great C3PO Chase
by Hellooo
Summary: The beepster (R2-D2) has to save the day (again) when C-3PO gets kidnapped on vacation! Fairly dumb but very funny, please R & R!
1. Uh Oh

**DISCLAIMER: Ready for a BIG shock? Well, here it comes…I…DON'T…OWN…STAR WARS!! *gasp***

A/N: I am writing this along with my sister, Kaeldra. Please R & R her story, Marauder Mania.

Chapter 1

            "R2, if you can here me, this is C-3PO! Oh my goodness! I _knew a vacation was a bad idea! Listen, I'm being kidnapped! Get Lu-" and with that, static took over completely. R2-D2 began beeping excitedly. What was he going to do? He figured the best thing was to go strait to Luke. So, he set off towards Luke's room. _

            When he went in, he began beeping in a hurried, urgent voice. Han Solo was in the room as well. They both had their backs to R2, facing the computer. "R2, not now," Luke said, "Go write a letter to 3PO." R2 glided out, thinking, "_Humans." _

            He tried Leia's office next. Leia was at her desk, sorting through papers. Once more, R2 started explaining the problem, but she was interrupted, "R2, you know I can't understand a word you're saying, and your translator won't be in until next week. Sorry, but you'll have to tell me then." 

            R2-D2 left, extremely ticked off. There was only one thing left to do. H e would have to save C-3PO himself. The first step was to trace C-3PO's call. So he went off to the market place to buy something to help him trace C-3PO's call.

            He'd have to hurry, by the sound of it, there wasn't much time left!


	2. A Not So Successful Shopping Trip

**DISCLAIMER: Unfortunately, I don't own Star Wars. Or Dunkin' Donuts, for that matter.**

Chapter 2

            R2-D2 walked into the marketplace. He looked around. Oooooh! Fresh gasoline, yummy! Wait, that wasn't what he was here for. He had to get a tracking device. It was late in the day, and the prime time for shopping was over by a few hours. The first place he went to was Al's Tracking Devices. Al was a human who was a tall, burly person. He had a pot belly, a swagger, a heavy Southern Earthling accent, a ten gallon hat, and a loaded blaster in both of his hip-holsters. However, despite his intimidating appearance, he was a nice man who liked droids. Best of all, he had a translator so he could understand what R2-D2 was saying. Dodging the wide variety of creatures that still roamed the marketplace, he reached Al's stall and plugged himself in to the spot that would allow Al to read on a screen what the little droid was saying. Al smiled. "Hey, little buddy, how've you been?" he boomed cheerfully in his heavy accent. R2-D2 wasted no time with formalities, but quickly explained the situation and informed Al that he needed a tracker urgently that could track the sources of past calls. "Sorry pal, I sold the last one of those early this morning to a funny looking Twi-lek. I got a few spare parts, though, if you want to make your own! Since it's a big emergency, it's on the house. Good luck." R2 beeped his gratitude, took the parts and stored them, and rode off in search of the other necessary parts. As he went he heard Al call after him, "You come back later for a visit little buddy, y'hear?" 

            Unfortunately for our hero, most of the other stores were in similar situations. It would take at least a week to order most of the parts he needed to be ordered, and two weeks for the full translator. By the time he was done with his shopping spree, he was left with a wide variety of relatively useless supplies. These included: six springs; three yards of wire; half of a scanner; a mobile phone; printer ink; scotch tape; a hole puncher; several gears, nuts, and bolts; a bag of pistachios; a cooler; a bread box; lots of cardboard boxes; lego; a scone; a sock; a French horn; a Winnie the Pooh dish towel; a poster advertising Dunkin' Donuts; a droid scout pin; an egg timer; a bottle of sand; an electric toothbrush; and a collection of old, rusty door knockers. _A/N: yes, it is possible to say that in one breath, but only for my big sister_

            Oh, and a Subway scrap metal sandwich and glass of gasoline. Even hero droids on a daring mission get hungry.


	3. When In Doubt, Go To The Library!

_A/N: If you this chapter slightly disturbs you, I can't say I blame you. Don't worry, it'll be back to normal in the next chapter, but I just felt like goofing off a little for this one. However, it will get worse before it gets better. Bet you didn't know R2-D2 could sing, huh?_

**CHAPTER 3:**

            R2-D2 stared down at his random, wretched pile of supplies, and an inspiration hit him. He would go to the library! Hey, if it was good enough for Hermione Granger, it was good enough for him. Besides, he might just happen to have the tiniest bit of a crush on that lovely, sweet, intelligent, kind, witty, charming, beautiful, well-oiled, shiny protocol droid that served as the librarian. Just a little one, mind you. Yes, she was sure to find him just the right book; she had never failed him yet. Not that he'd actually checked out a book before, he'd been too shy to ask her, but… He reached the library, and rather nervously glided in through the sliding glass doors. There she was, XP-09. She sat at a desk, gracefully ached over the book she was gracefully and elegantly stamping for check-out. R2-D2 took in every inch as she smiled her heart-warming smile as she handed the book back to the small child. At least, R2-D2 assumed she was smiling, but it was hard to tell since her features were made of metal so they didn't change. He took a deep breath, or at least he would have if droids breathed, and rolled up to the desk. 

            Her clear, musical voice rang out, saying, "Yes, how may I help you?"

            "…" This was the droid equivalent of standing there with your mouth hanging open. Finally, he pulled himself together, and asked, in a high, squeaky voice that made him string all his words together, "bookonmakingatrackingdevicepleasethankyouverymuchma'am" 

            "I'm terribly sorry, but I haven't the faintest idea what you just said"

            For C-3PO's sake, he composed himself, and asked her politely for a book on constructing your own tracking devices. 

            "Oh, I'm terribly sorry Mr. D2, but I gave the main one to someone earlier this morning. I only have one left, and it's rather unorthodox, so it may not be quite what you're looking for. Still, you wait here and I'll go fetch it."

            As he watched her retreating back as she disappeared among the jungle of books, a stampeding herd of wild banthas couldn't have moved him from the spot.

            XP-09 returned with a fat volume that was a vivid shade of lime green, with purple bunnies decorating the spine rather than a title. "I do hope this will do".

            R2-D2 flipped to the back cover and read the purple bold font: "Has your friend been kidnapped while touring Florida? Do you need to build a tracking in order to save your friend from grave peril? However, have you gone at out to the store only to find a wide variety of relatively useless supplies, including socks, scotch tape, and a French horn? Well, all you need to know is in this book. It will take you, step by step, through the process to rescue your friend, become a hero, and really impress your local librarian!" After reading the back cover, R2-D2 let out a whoooooop of joy, which was quickly hushed by a stern, "Sir, please, this a library!"

            R2-D2 quickly explained it was perfect, and left. As he strolled along the street he kept thinking of XP-09, and soon began to hum tunes, and then burst out in full song that sounded like beeps to the passer-bys. He began with "On The Street Where She Lives", from My Fair Lady, then moved on to "Marian, Madame Librarian" from The Music Man, to "L-O-V-E" by Nat King Cole, and had begun "Can You Feel The Love Tonight" from The Lion King, when the passer-bys got sick of it and began to throw socks and Dunkin' Donuts at him yelling, "Oy! You! This ain't a musical!"

            R2 got the point and shut up. He set off for home, knowing he had a lot of work ahead of him.


	4. Thank You's and Everyone's Favourite Mec...

_A/N: WARNING!! This whole chapter is one big author note, except I'll put up the fourth chapter after this so if reading italics makes you feel rather queasy, don't read this. I will now say a short (*cough* *cough*) set of thank you's._

            _First off, I would like to say a huge thank you my literature inspiration, editor, and typist, oh yeah, and sister, but I'm not thanking her for that, fanfiction screen name Kaeldra, pen name Elizabeth K. Walker. Next, I would like to thank the Dunkin' Donuts shop. Next, I would like to thank my sister's friends:_

_-Pen name Britt Davis for the contribution of lime green with purple bunnies and French horns_

_-Pen name The Flying Pig for socks, and I'll try to get a Dugong in there for you somewhere_

_-Pen name Philomel for scones, say hi to Jillian for me please!_

_-Pen name Straightjackets-R-Us for droid pins, based on Girl Scouts (*sings* Oh I wish I were a little girly scouty, girly scouty…)_

_-Katie J for Winnie the Pooh_

_-Pen name magicrulz  for letting me be Hedwig!_

_            Thank you pen name Obsessive for actually reviewing my story (before I edited it, deleted it, and re-loaded it). I would also like to thank Mickey Mouse for attempting to murder my sister by hugging her when she was little in such a way that she developed a large bruise by being whacked really hard with his hard rubber nose. I really appreciated that. And the Guinea Fowl who jumped on her windowsill and glared at her with malicious intent. _

_            Other people to thank: George Lucas (DUH); the guy who wrote My Fair Lady, the guy who wrote the Music Man, Nat King Cole, the guy who wrote The Lion King (Disney), Freddy Inesburt Hill, Nala, Hermione Granger, Professor Harold Hill, librarians everywhere, the rain in Spain that stays mainly in the plains, my faithful hole puncher, and the people who threw socks at R2-D2 to make him shut up because without them I'd have run out of songs. Thank you to the cast: Al, C-3PO, Leia, the kidnappers, Florida, Luke, Han Solo, the police, market salesman, XP-09, six springs; three yards of wire; half of a scanner; a mobile phone; printer ink; scotch tape; a hole puncher; several gears, nuts, and bolts; a bag of pistachios; a cooler; a bread box; lots of cardboard boxes; Lego; a scone; a sock; a French horn; a Winnie the Pooh dish towel; a poster advertising Dunkin' Donuts; a droid scout pin; an egg timer; a bottle of sand; an electric toothbrush; and a collection of old, rusty door knockers, and, oh, yah, I nearly forgot, R2-D2. Thank you one and all. A Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night. _

**CHAPTER 4:**

R2-D2 shut himself in his room and put the "DO NOT DISTURB" sign on the doorknob. All night he toiled, following the instructions in How To Make A Tracking Device With a Collection of Fairly Useless Supplies That Will Save Your Florida-Touring Friend From Kidnappers, Make You a Hero, And Win The Heart of Your Local Librarian. (By the best selling author of  What To Do If You Crash On The Fiery Swamps Of Yavin 7 and Are Attacked By A Giant Fire-Breathing Nine Legged, Two Headed Monster Armed Only With A Sausage And A Toothpick) After hours of work he made the tracking device, and then moved on to chapter six, titled, What To Do Once You've Made The Tracking Device. When he finally sat back, satisfied with a job well done, he had given the kidnappers a huge dish of problems. They were in for a bumpy, neon-lit ride.


	5. Anyone For Fried Potatos?

**CHAPTER 6: Anyone For Fried Potatoes?**

            Meanwhile, hundreds of galaxies away, a seemingly innocent spaceship was flying over Idaho (_a/n: why not try a holiday in __Idaho__ this year?). The border police hadn't stopped them, they had seemed innocent enough (__a/n: see the lovely telephone system, and the wide variety of vegetables, including the majestic potatoes). _

            It was driven by two criminal masterminds, named Jo and Mo _(a/n: A potato bit my sister once…). Jo was the brains, so he drove. Naturally, when we say brains, it means that by the time he graduated from college he could even count to nine on his fingers. As is traditional with bad guys, he was tall and skinny and wore star-shaped sunglasses that proved he had even worse fashion taste than Elton John (__a/n: …mind you, potato bites can be pretty nasty, it swelled to the size of…well…a potato. _She was trying to make potato stamps out of it by carving it with an electric toothbrush she'd won in a competition for who could guess the air speed velocity of a European unlaidened swallow. Suddenly, the potato sprouted big pointy teeth and bit her in the patella. She started running around, screaming her head off, but then she tripped over the electric toothbrush, and fell. The potato had just leaped for her throat, when…_). _

            Mo was the braunt.  He not only could hit the broad side of a barn, he was about the same size as one. Why were they kidnapping an innocent protocol droid tourist? Because without bad guys there wouldn't be much of a plot _(a/n: we apologize for the digressions in the author notes. The people responsible have just been sacked)_. As they had brains roughly the size of a Dunkin' Donut (they had holes, too) they didn't think of turning off their prisoner. They instead gagged him with a sock and tied him to a chair. They also stuck a French Horn on his head.  _(a/n: we have just discovered that the people responsible for the author notes can not be sacked, as they are the people in charge. Hence, the people who were responsible for trying to sack the people who were responsible for the digressions in the author notes have just been sacked. We would like to take this opportunity to thank Frank the Wonder Llama for his contributions to this story. Now back to the story, hopefully without further interruptions. We apologize for any inconveniences they may have caused.)_

            Meanwhile, R2-D2's tracking device/bugging device was whirring away like a cheerful unlaidened African swallow. Suddenly, C-3PO heard a message play over the intercom. In R2-D2's voice, beeping so Jo and Mo couldn't understand him, (this was also the only way he could speak, but that's beside the point) 3PO heard, "Beep! Beepty beep beep beeeeeeep!! Beep!" _(a/n: WARNING: we are not liable if we made a mistake and  R2 said "Help, I'm drowning in cheese_!!") C-3PO breathed a sigh of relief at these reassuring words, which when echoing around inside the French Horn, sounded like a B flat.    

            "Uh….um, Jo, do you think something might be wrong, uh, it's making funny beeping noises…"

            "Look, leave the thinking to us thinkers, Mo! There's nothing wrong!"

            "Uh, Jo, I think a sign just popped out of our roof…it's flashing words…uh…can you read it to me, please, Jo?"

            "Mo, you're imagining things again!"

            "Uh, Jo, uh…you're turning left, but the ship's turning right"

            "Honestly, Mo, don't you know the right hand's the one that makes the L?"

            "Uh, Jo, um…there's a band of funny people wearing weird jackets and playing rock and roll on our roof…and one of them looks like Sting…" Actually, this was true. This was because the neon sign was flashing R2-D2's message on the roof of the ship, "POLICE PLEASE COME HELP BECAUSE C-3PO HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED BY THESS TWO MEN AND IS ON BOARD THIS SHIP. THANK YOU FROM R2-D2". However, due to the strange, twisted mind of the author's sister, the wrong police had come to their aid. The band, the Police, had come _(a/n: confused? Ask your parents who The Police are)_. However, fortunately, the author snapped her fingers and lectured her sister so they all disappeared. The band, that is. Mo and Jo soon arrived at…

            "THE POLICE STATION? MO, YOU IDIOT, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME WE WERE HEADING FOR THE POLICE STATION!!"

            "Sorry Jo, I tried"

            "Grrr…"

            Fortunately, Mo was saved from the wrath of his partner when a figure approached. (a/n: _The author's sister?? Hey, you're not supposed to be in this story!!) _

            "Well, too bad, I'm in it anyway!"

            _(A/N: Fine! But I hope you get eaten by a camel. Where were we? Oh yes.) This figure, closely followed by a large band of policemen, was carrying no other all powerful weapon than…_

THE FRYING PAN OF DOOM!!!

DUN-DUN-DUN!!!!!

            The author's sister then walked up to the arguing bad guys, and announced, "Hand over C-3PO immediately, or I'll hit you both with the FRYING PAN OF DOOM!"

DUN-DUN-DUN!!!!

"On second thought, no matter what you do I'll hit you both with the FRYING PAN OF DOOM,"

DUN-DUN-DUN!!!

            "and _then take C-3PO." She did so. Everyone cheered, with the exception of Jo and Mo, who were to busy being hit with the FRYING PAN OF DOOM_

DUN-DUN-DUN!!!!

And C-3PO, who still had his head enveloped in a FRENCH HORN

DUN-DUN…wait a second, oops, that doesn't go there, never mind.


	6. A Not So Happy Ending

**A Not-So-Happy Ending**

****

            The first thing C-3PO did (other than get the French Horn off his head and the sock out of his mouth) was call home. He gave his usual "Oh, I really am terrible at telling stories, it's not in my programming, but…" he then launched into a long, elaborate telling of the events that led to his making an extremely long distance phone call home from Idaho after taking a French Horn of his head. R2-D2 made several inputs of his own, none of which could be understood by anyone other than C-3PO. 

            "I'll see you a long, long time from now, in a galaxy far, far away, because my flight was delayed."

            Hence, R2-D2 made a tracking device with a collection of fairly useless supplies that saved his Florida-touring friend from kidnappers, made him a hero, and won the heart of his local librarian. He also wrote a letter of thanks to the author of Make A Tracking Device With a Collection of Fairly Useless Supplies That Will Save Your Florida-Touring Friend From Kidnappers, Make You a Hero, And Win The Heart of Your Local Librarian (best selling author of What To Do If You Crash On The Fiery Swamps Of Yavin 7 and Are Attacked By A Giant Fire-Breathing Nine Legged, Two Headed Monster Armed Only With A Sausage And A Toothpick), who happened to be the author of this story's sister (who was featured in the last chapter), and a big fan of 

FRYING PANS OF DOOM

DUN-DUN-DUN

and llamas. One week later he went on a date with XP-09. The went to a karaoke restaurant where they sang "On The Street Where She Lives", from My Fair Lady, Marian, Madame Librarian" from The Music Man, "L-O-V-E" by Nat King Cole, and "Can You Feel The Love Tonight" from The Lion King. They won an award.  

            I truly wish I could say that all of the characters in this story lived happily ever after, but I can't, for several reasons.

1) The FRYING PAN OF DOOM (DUN-DUN-DUN!!) is still possessed by the author's sister, an extremely dangerous fact.  

2) C-3PO missed his flight from Idaho as he kept setting off the metal detector.

3) If they did, there couldn't be a sequel.  
  


THE END

DUN-DUN-DUN!!!!!

(A/N: Please let me know if you think there should be a sequal!)

(a/n: Thank you to all the people who reviewed this, thank you to the Frying Pan Of Doom, and sorry for misspelling Dugong at first)


End file.
